I just saw a woman parallel park a horse. Awesome. Only in New York..
Welp...herpes.
I woke up covered in blue paint and my knee bleeding, when I went to return the shopping cart the guy in the elevator laughed hysterically. I'm having a good morning.
I just realized that the thing that smelled like an electrical fire in my house was me.
She started telling me about this odd patch of smooth skin under her boobs. Not sure if she was hitting on me or looking for free advise from a doctor...
I mean, I still played with her tits for like 20min tho.
i'm about to be the still-drunkest person on the ellipticals
We're about to play the try not to vom at the president's house game...
walked into my roommates bathroom to her throwing up a quesadilla while singing come on skinny taco
holy shit the woman im hooking up with is closer to my moms age than my own
I asked you for a cigarette and you handed me your phone and told me to search for one
The difference in our lives is summed up perfectly in that you woke up next to a 6'4" guy with an accent and I woke up next to an unwrapped piece of string cheese.
a victory without nudity is not really a victory
I'm wearing a fleece onesie eating pop tarts on the train to work. Killing it.
He was imitating a sprinkler when he started puking. Hence- vomit sprinkler. Some people just can't handle their tequila
Are you really trying to argue your case that you seduced my cat?
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