there is nothing more satisfying than playing sudoku while pooping
be a good friend and just tell me i'm not pregnant
I was so drunk last night I wanted to download a Busta Rhymes album.
so exactly how many freshman chicks did i tell to call me "the tripod"?
literally overdrew my bank account at 3 in the morning to eat subway with 7 sherriffs.
I fed him jelly beans while he fingered me. Win, win situation.
I ate a pepperoni off of someone's floor last night. We need to talk.
I need a therapist, but moreover we are going to be really drunk.
I'm going to crush up my last 7 Percocets into a fine powder and toss my popcorn in it.
Happy Birhtday!
Dad, it's 3am and it's not my birthday... wherever you are, go home
Is it okay to thank someone for the orgasms they gave you, even though they weren't with you?
also somebody did cough syrup and i was really worried but i couldn’t express why properly so i was like MACKLEMORE SAYS NO
It's volleyball. Just do it. You want to look sporty. Save sexy librarian for another day.
Made it to my hair appointment on time, and got some dick. Today is already a great day
Lost my anal v card with Peter Thiel's RNC speech on in the background. Unbelievably appropriate
Randomize
