my friend just told me "I dunno what u r doing but keep doing it cuz it makes u look fabulous"
LOL that's cool. Guess u r gonna have to keep doing me
You're going to have to start masturbating with your left hand. Or with someone's vagina
My doctor just informed me that my food allergies qualify me for a medical marijuana license. I get it on Tuesday. It won't help at all, but my life is awesome!
I'm so hungover i just sang the alphabet to see if "Z" comes after "W"
we've called him dos banos ever since he threw up in 2 separate bathrooms with the same puke
He has horses apparently. I wonder if we could fuck while riding a horse or if that's too dangerous.
I love you like a cupcake loves an overweight child, very similar to the mannerisms of a whole cake but personal, and minus the commitment issues, plus just the right amount of icing; not to mention the convenience of mobility, and only a smidgen of the guilt😘
I should put together a new mom basket for her. It would have diapers, vodka, ambien, and tissues for when she cries about her wasted youth.
The best part about passing out on the floor was the fact that when I pissed myself, I didn't piss the bed again.
Would 7 layered rainbow jello shots entice you?
He has a burner phone just to send dick pics. It's revolutionary
I just want to go home and eat bagel bites in my underwear
So I took my bra off and threw it in the bushes before we went to the bars..
You're just upset because I have cupcakes and boobs and you don't.
Yea and there’s destruction when we’re together, mostly of our livers but W/e
Randomize
