Tipsy and thinking of you. Talk tomorrow. My alliteration is awesome.
I just did my online traffic school at the bar. No biggie.
Just had sex with a girl from Italy. The only english she knew was Obama campaign slogans. Her screaming, "Yes we can!" as I was railing her not only turned me on but allowed my neighbors to know it was consentual.
Just topless shotgunned a bud light alone. I am about to peer mentor the shit out of these freshmen.
how many americans can say they have been laid before eating their first big mac?
after we had sex he told me his original plan was to have sex with my roommate but his buddy likes her so i was backup
He's crying and calling me out on using him. It's awful. And I'm too drunk to leave.
He was the one that got away. From my vagina.
I'm really having trouble focusing on shark week with this erection
Just realized I could have five different dicks in me the day of valentines day but no real date. My life
For my birthday I want you to get me in bed with Donald Trump. That is all. You have 3 months
And if I could both stabilize myself *and* pick things up with my penis... Well, I wouldn't be on the fire dept...
If I got everything I wanted in the world, I would have been forcing soup down your throat hours ago
If you can't beat em, make them send you dick pics so they can't do anything stupid again.
how do you know everyone's mad at you?
I just woke up feeling shameful
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