Screwed.edu
unlike you, ive never imagined darth vader masturbating
Honestly, your dog is in better hands with that homeless guy.
I may or may not juuuust be reaching the point where I find some humor from waking up in the parking lot at the standard.
come back what if one of your parents walks in and im just sitting here eating a cheesesteak without you
Come over we're drinking with orange soda as a chaser to honor 90s nick kenan and kel.
My phone now knows what I type and it prompts me with frequently used words. And anytime I use "and" and hit the space key two of the words are "unicorn" and "sausage"
Ohhh. Its been awhile. Vending machine hotel condoms are $15 here who can afford to not get herpes?
How was your weekend?
The sex was so good. It hurts to exist.
Hes drunk and dancing naked. I can hear his dick smacking his legs from the next room.
Don't ever feel guilty about what you put in your mouth best advice my gma ever gave me lmao
Nearly got hit by a blue bell ice cream truck. Can I count on you to make plenty of puns like "her life was sweet, and so was her death" at my funeral if that was to happen?
no body wants to do anything today cause it's too cold, but a guy can only masturbate so many times a day. Ya know
Best part about losing weight and not fitting into your pants any longer? They come off quick for chipotle emergencies.
Wait you actually sent a text to your self saying “love you I miss you"?
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