Planet Earth isn't gonna get stoned and watch itself.
You told the cops that they couldn't arrest you because they weren't hot enough to fuck
a creepy fucking ass man came up and started raven cawwing in my ear... he said it was the raven mating call. i am officially freaked out
He was putting purell on my boobs saying "they need to be clean for later." He hadn't had a drink all night
I'm sitting in class drinking a forty out of a paper bag. No ones said anything yet. I think my professor is trying to ignore me. Better start yelling louder.
She said she couldn't sleep with a guy who had blood stains on his ceiling. I tried to explain it wasn't my blood, but she still left :(
she came back from her house with A paper cut , a 2liter of sprite with Bacardi , and half a mustache . we're inviting her more ofte
Who knew there were so many rules and judgements about laying on a kitchen floor. I'm all like I'm resting. It just happens to be on a kitchen floor.
ON A SIMILAR NOTE MY DICK SIZE PSYCHIC SKILLS ARE SO GOOD
If you don't wanna wax my ass just say so.
Well, I currently have zero fuckboys and my vibrator just broke. A fresh start to May.
He shampooed and conditioned his pubes but can't manscape for shit.
Its 9 am & i've been cleaning for 6 hours now with occasional crying bursts and two cocktails. Adulting 101.
I saw some guy masturbating in the Burger King parking lot and I’m just fucking done
He had a temporary tattoo of Justin Bieber on his dick and I still had sex with him
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