he was like Britney Spears in bed.. a little chubby and too medicated to perform.
so i havent checked yet but im almost positive that my left ass cheek is bruised. any idea what happened last night.
what the fuck man? i was JUST texting you the same thing. FUCK
after eating me out, he asked for something to drink. i gave him a glass of water and he said he needed something stronger.
You told me I was special while we were having sex and I asked why.
What did I say?
Don't ask me questions while I have an erection,
Wife passed out. Doing shots with the hot bartender... Don't tell me I don't know how to celebrate a 1yr anniversary
he obviously didn't care that i was sleeping and dreaming about ellen degeneres knitting me a christmas sweater.
The salesman looked at me like I was crazy when I explained the need for a headboard that had slats so I could handcuff people to it
So as I left the Australian's hotel room, I said "Welcome to America. You're going to do just fine here."
did the fire alarm go off at the party last night I kind of remember a fire alarm noise
omg omg i ripped it out of the ceiling omg
I had to ask. I mean when you get a snap chat of a nipple you have to ask who's it is.
If he survived pride he can survive a gay bar
The Uber driver took us to a Waffle House. We didn't even say anything when we got in. MAGIC.
I can never have sex in Utah again. The altitude had me breathing like a fat kid going up stairs.
Him showing up yesterday was like a giant ego stroke for my vagina.
The people at Perkins seem so judgemental. Big deal if i'm handcuffed to stripper in a star-n-stripes bikini. We still gotta eat.
Randomize
