After I tried for five minutes to hang my beer from the coat hanger in the bathroom , I have realized I am drunk
Of course my walk of shame coincided with the alumni marathon on campus. But, I did get a thumbs up from the woman handing out water.
remember, YOU ARE A WINNER
my dinner was a box of cheezits simultaneously mixed in with cocoa puffs and fried rice.
Theres a handprint of sauce on my frig, one streaked across my face, a trail of it to my bedroom and sauce all in my bed and i have no idea what the fuck i ate.
I'm gonna be a few minutes late, some asshole just fell off the ferry so we had to stop.
He was dressed as ron burgundy and his pickup line was "dont worry, i wont make you jump in a bear pit."
is there any kind of "im boning my neighbor and he happens to be a manager at walmart" discount that our new relationship entitles me to??
Why were you not born a dude?
Because god wanted to level the playing field
I climbed through his window to find him already with another booty call. This wouldn't have happened if I could upgrade from my 7th grade scooter to a real car.
…If I were you I wouldn't use that as part of your argument to your dad for a car
If you can handle my post-party look you da real MVP
I thought you died. Don't forget it's burger night.
There's nothing like when u really click with a stripper
Nothing says happy Monday quite like coffee and oral sex.
Remember that pair of super cute shorts I pooped in? I miss those 😔
I want to strut with the confidence of a pigeon.
Randomize
