i looked at dads computer and apparently he was looking at job ads on craigslist and the only one clicked that turned purple said "GET PAID TO MASTURBATE"
I wish there was a lawn mower version of Roomba so I could just drink and cheer it on from the stoop.
its all coming back to me in waves....waves of humiliation and nausea.
I'm currently sitting on the floor of a hostel reception area taking swigs of straight vodka, singing with people whose English doesn't go far beyond Lion King songs. I thought you might appreciate it.
MY roomie made me a chinese name- it's supposed to mean 'the girl of a thousand sins.'
I dunno what the deal was, but you spent about an hour trying to put your phone charger in the outlet and you were yelling "one plug to rule them all"
I don't know how or when he is sober long enough to donate plasma
Can you pick up from work today? There's a surprise for you on the bed and I haven't gone blind which is positive.
I'm going to write a horror movie. It's going to be called "Fat People on a Squeaky Bed" and it's going to feature me laying in bed last night listening to my overweight roommate and her fat boyfriend tossing and turning all night
A guy with a mustache poured a beer down your throat while you had a crippled boy named Sunshine riding your back
Pretty sure the guy I hooked up with Saturday gave me a buy one get one free coupon for chipotle. Who said nice guys don't exist?
Someone left a middle school yearbook here. I recognized one kid from banging his mom last year.
I'm 2 weeks in to my all dick and carb diet and so far I've lost 2lbs.
when I walked in the door they were passed out naked, on top of eachother, with tetris controllers in their hands.
I just want you to know that watching you throw up out of a cab in the McDonald's drive thru was probably the highlight of my night.
Randomize
