Pretty girls always come out on top. Or bottom. Whatever. Point is we come out with their boyfriends.
I woke up this morning with a bag of pepperonis in my bed.... and my facebook status was "pepperonis"
Performed a legit marriage between 2 drunk people at last call yesterday. Becoming ordained has already paid for itself.
Like reprimanding the wall for "sneaking up on me" drunk
and he said i stripped him down, hand cuffed him to his bed post, and tickled his arm pits, and then continued to watch The Hangover.
I feel like wearing underwear would just be poor planning
Worst walk of shame everrr. Hopefully the thought of me walking 20 minutes in the freezing cold with someone else's sweatpants, a bra on & high heels will cheer you up today.
Oh god there are people jogging. Fuck off productive people, you don't know me.
am i new drunk or am i still drunk
Does your body have a liquid mass index? does that make sense? I think I drank it in Long islands.. Kill me now..
I just want my paycheck, and my friends. And alcohol and tacos. Is that so much to ask?
I woke up with a bagel in my mouth, still ate it. Free breakfast
I'll be home soonish I need 4th of July sex, it's the American thing to do.
I knew it was on when all she had to say about the handcuffs was 'I really hope these adjust tighter!'
Seriously I'm not after your cock. It's a nice bonus, like finding $20 in the dryer, but not the reason I hang out with you.
I can't remember what I did last night, but judging from the state of my hair I had a pretty good time.
Randomize
