i forgot how awkward it is to meet new people sober
I woke up on the steps beside a plate of spaghetti and a toilet paper roll ripped in half. And i actually think this day is gonna get better.
Just got a full body massage. It was uncomfortable at first, but then I realized I let strangers turn off the lights and put their hands all over my naked body 3 times a week anyways.
Either he was jacking off or having a seizure next to me in bed. Either way, I was too lazy to help.
Apparently I was pointing at birds and yelling "YOU USED TO BE A DINOSAUR!!!"
six ambien and a bong later...he was calling me blueberry princess who need rescuing from the evil oven, and he was sir Eatsalot.
You will never truly trust yourself until you have shaved your armpits, legs, and vagina in the dark.
That feels better than graduating college or that time I tried to ride a llama. Did you know they really spit?
Would your heart desire to drink copious amounts of alcohol tonight?
So she just had an emotional breakdown over a birthday card with a peacock on it. Yeah. She's pretty drunk, but we made it home safely.
Hi please disregard the last text and if you'd like our entire interaction
Done
Moms love me. I'm the reminder that they need to turn safe search on.
How have you been? I haven’t talked to you since you dyed your pubes.
Fuck my life he IS a stripper, Ive been sleeping with a stripper named Phoenix. damnit, I knew the sex was too good
Do you know how difficult it is to masturbate with Christmas carols stuck in your head?!
Randomize
