Eric just called. Says he's trapped in a cul de sac because the road disappeared. Wants me to tell him what street has the bushes that whisper sweet nothings into you ear and the wobbling purple pokemon. Oh, and a "bigger and better" penis is growing out of his belly button. He took shrooms by the way.
i'm touring the leper colony via mapquest street view so we dont have to go there
My mom is pretending to be Paula Deen while making breakfast...I'm pretty sure she's sober.
He's sitting on the floor holding his bracket and crying, literally crying... he just keeps saying "Kansas how could you?" over and over
playing nyquil roulette. it entails taking shots of nyquil and hoping it doesnt kick in during sex or in public. game on.
I just threw out a whole Christmas ham, 12 positive pregnancy tests, 3 empty vodka bottles and by ex boyfriends Latina porn collection in the same garbage bag. The homeless person who goes through the bins tonight knows I have nothing left to loose.
Dad's already had 6 Zionist conspiracy rants and moms trying to detect any "dark energies" in my soul. You have 4 days before you return to this shit: ENJOY THEM
Who are you to come into MY house and tell me when I can or cannot take my pants off?
I had to get my boss birth control a work today. I knew going to ASU would come in handy in my career someday.
I feel like I should treat myself every time I find out I'm not pregnant. Is there a pie company that delivers??
It's not safe here. I had urgent and violent diarrhea last night, and I got blackout drunk. Please don't come over.
I'm so happy we share a mutual love of laughing at religion.
My law teacher drew an elephant on the board in class. I was so high that I laughed for 5 minutes straight. Nobody else laughed and everyone stared. 130 people knew I was high.
You were so drunk Last night you asked for your glasses so you could read the directions on a band aid
Drinking at 10 in the morning and swimming might not be the best idea I've ever had but it beats working
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