the cop asked for your social security number and you gave her your high school locker combo
Just threw up in a trash can by the ATM. Then pulled out money for weed.
my voice of reason is faarrr too drunk for me to listen.
i seriously have like 9 pictures of people taking shots out of a vag on my camera....
How am I suppose to fully love you when you cant even open up and try to fulfill my midget fantasy
Breathalizer & tazer party did not go as casually as expected.
Dude. I'm super jealous I'm not there. Plus I look really pretty tonight, I'm wearing my long blue dress, I have long blonde hair, and I'm just sitting here hitting Larry the Long Bong. I'll pretend like your 3 spirits are floating in my smoke. Fuck.
Okay hun. Well my neighbors haven't called the cops yet so I think we're good. No more burning in the yard.
I always thought The Big Bang Theory wasa terrible show but that was before it came with blowjobs and pizza.
You suck at answering, but you did manage to avoid a fun conversation about hemorrhoids. So maybe you're great at answering.
I'm sun burnt so instead of getting drunk and trying to sleep with you, how about we get naked and you scratch my body and rub lotion on me while I rub one out?
She's cool and all but if she eats my food again I'm gonna fucking drop kick her ass. No one touches my lunchables. NO ONE.
The impromptu 'dance party' was just three white dudes flailing arrhythmically in the kitchen in absolute silence. Stone cold sober.
When you wake up to a porn star on your couch telling you, you better tell your boyfriend about last night.
Would you be opposed to me keeping a live lobster in the shower for a bit?
Randomize