shit is crazy. i just keep thinking that this kid growing inside Emily used to live in my balls.
burritoes are like sleeping bags for ground beef
It's happening again. I feel like I'm under water and my heart beat matches "Teenage Wasteland"
there are two kinds of girls in this world: my mom, and sluts.
I just bought 4 bottles of wine in sweats at 530 on a monday night. Fuck law school
My roommate made me go home after I mooed at fat girls at the gas station.
almost got into it with the cashier. bitch dont look at me like that just cuz im only buying wine and icing. ill fight.
So my bf wanted to cum on my face and I let him. Afterwards I wiped some off, wiped it across his forehead and said, "The king has returned".
History professor is at the bar. Hurry! There's only so many A's he could give before it starts to look bad.
winnie the pooh came out of nowhere and offered me a burrito...it was a fucking amazing burrito.
When you get home there will be live fish in the bathtub. I did not put live fish in the bathtub.
Whatever you do tomorrow don't let me put on the Borat mankini and yell "POLAR PLUNGE!!" while diving into the pool
The pool is covered.....
Like that would stop me.
Today is all about not throwing up, where the fuck are my keys and does anyone know what happened to that guy in the panda suit my roommate had sex with last night.
That guy was cool until he tried fighting that dude in the bow tie. I need better wingmen.
I just gave him road head. He came in the Taco Bell drive thru which seems pretty typical for my life.
Randomize
