Last night this chick queefed when I was going down on her. Thinking if you! xo
you know he's having a sex change. I can't believe you called him "titty man" to his face....
It feels like I shit a light bulb that shattered on the way out.
Having sex with her was like reading the Wall Street Journal.
you were so high that you made a 14 page PowerPoint on why Santa would beat Peter pan in a fight.
and I must say, you were very persuasive
you had sex with a 30 year old who doesn't have a cell phone but does have an 8 year old son.
he's 29.
My brother just woke up to see me on te couch dipping hamburger buns into pizza sauce. I'm beginning to question the life choices that led to this moment.
My contribution to the dinner party was a bottle of vodka and a bag of uncooked potatoes. I felt like a Russian serf.
Bartender at the wedding asked if he was making my drinks too strong. I laughed at him.
IT IS CHRISTMAS EVE AND I AM SUPPOSED TO BE HAVING SEX WITH AN ATTRACTIVE BLACK MAN IN THE NEXT FEW DAYS AND I JUST GOT MY PERIOD. WHEN PEOPLE ASK ME WHY I DON'T BELIEVE IN GOD I WILL TELL THEM OF THIS DAY.
they saw the dick pic he sent and started calling him 'subway'
I was going to be upset with you on moral grounds but then i realized free chocolate was involved
I just got high and swiffered the bathroom floor....2 for 2 on brilliant life ideas
Did I, at any point last night, say I was dying?
i'll...probably just offer you drugs?
i'll...probably take them in all honesty
Randomize
