An eyelash just fell out into my container of rice. Searching for it, i took a single piece of rice out at a time coming to the coclusion that i should not be this high while eating rice.
Ah that type of Dick. I think my phones trying to make me less of a whore by capitalizing Dick. That way it looks like I'm talking about a dude not penis
Saw an eatery called Rusty Taco. That sooo could be me.
I went golfing for the first time today!! Aren't you proud?
Driving a golf cart around all day with a keg attatched to the back doesn't exactly count as golfing
because you can't take the autistic girl you're babysitting on a blunt ride.
You just kept screaming at everyone 'not to break your scarf' and doing somersaults
i love you man. i hope we fuck some serious shit up this summer.
Then this bride walked into the bar, she thought it would be a good idea to hug her & then she started playing parachute with her train.
He never broke character while fucking me on the neighbor's lawn. I give him a 10 for his dedication to the British accent.
I legit had a 15 minute convo about dinosaurs with a guy at the bar last night cuz he was wearing a jurassic park shirt
thank you for being a reason not to completely check out of my life and start sleeping all day, crying all night, and living off vodka acquired through credit card debt
I know. In fairness he did tell me to throw up out his window onto his roof so I don't think he's pissed at me but I'm still mortified by the whole situation.
That was when I yelled "Wisconsin powers activate!" and took off sprinting across the ice
Hey buddy, turns out those were the PB&shroomwiches, soooo you may want to reconsider dinner with your girlfriends family tonight...
We're playing drunken roulette. We're taking exlax followed by shots. First person to shit themselves loses!
Randomize
