And I just threw up at the table during Mother's Day Brunch.
I just want to get to the point in our relationship where I can get on top of her and fart and we can both laugh...not just me.
I was at circle k buying gas and this girl in a papa johns uniform comes up and is like " I've got a bunch of extra pizzas. Large peperoni for $5." then she went to her trunk and pulled one out. It felt like a drug deal for a fat person
I just followed a trail of feathers and glitter to class. Today better be fucking magical.
Just found out I reached my $2500 deductible and I have a $5 million dollar cap on my health insurance. Let's get drunk and do something recklessly stupid tonight.
To celebrate your birthday last night, I got drunk and sang drift away in buffalo wild wings. Happy birthday. The entire bar sang the chorus with me. It was magical.
They left me stranded on the side of the road with a table and five gallons of water. They said it was all I really needed to survive. People are staring
Lucas & I had a photo shoot with her cape & I had child arm floaties on most the night.. woke up in a spiderman bed
If he thinks that that is an acceptable way to ask me out he is out his goddamn ginger mindddddd.
He somehow always manages to get me naked within 5 minutes of being together. It's like fucking witchcraft.
Welp, just took a tab of acid and cracked one of three bottles of champagne... Mondays ¯\\_(ツ)_/¯
My night has consisted of googling cat penises and creating a Tinder profile.
This is an alert from the drunk police: you have reached the point of no return. Text messages past this point are illegible.
I have had flashes of 69ing, a strawberry flavored condom and begging him to sleep naked.
So she was amazing, that's what. Idk if it was the blow or the blowjob, but both my heads are still tingling.
Randomize
