I need to figure out what I wanna do with my life.
There are margaritas in the freezer still.
I just wanted to let you know I just licked gravy off of my boobs. Just putting that out there.
I feel like I should limit myself to one meal prepared from a box per day
Just scrubbed my teeth for a good twenty minutes. Herpes is afraid of toothpaste, right?
He threw up, and left his credit card next to the puddle. He kept on saying he wanted to pay for the damages.
YOU NEED TO STOP BLOWING DUDES ON MY COUCH AT MY PARTIES
YOU NEED TO STOP PROVIDING TEQUILA AT YOUR PARTIES
I can't believe you're asking me to think of a sincere, creative way to apologize to your penis at 2 am.
You were convinced you would hurt my car if you opened the door. Then you barfed in the pretzle bucket Peter gave you
Like an undercooked grilled cheese that got cold again. But hairy.
And there goes my desire for sandwiches. Forever.
Seriously, fuck work.
uh yea I'm curled up in the trunk of my car
We're going to brunch on Super Bowl Sunday. I am not a smart man.
Why I hate online dating: not even one day in and a 57 year old asks me to call him "Daddy."
Did you leave it the depths of Magic Mike's favorite banana hammock?
Hey, YOU try working out drunk every night! Besides, I think at least one of those bruises is a hickey.
Wearing panties to a party gives you a whole new perspective on life.
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