Starbucks introducing alcohol. i hear angels singing.
Just caught my bro jerking off to a lane Bryant catalog
Down at cameli's and some homeless dude just pulled out a taser. Awesome.
There's so much relief when you realize you wake up in your own bed
I'm shutting down my vagina temporarily...it's like the last two weeks were a going out of business sale...and now it needs a break...
someone just sent me a bong wrapped in christmas paper in the mail. signed 'santa'.
He was going down on me and raised up for a minute, slipped and punched me in the face. My lady boner left immediately.
I just saw the Mona Lisa in the background of a porno. Whole new appreciation for art. fuck you I'm cultured.
He can keep it, but if he asks for anything else i'm just going to start pissing on things.
When I go out tonight I need to make sure to be really good. The Easter bunny doesn't deliver to jail
I am sorry. I am also on acid.
My goal is to have my roommate find me sprawled out in the middle of my floor naked and passed out. Maybe with some Alfredo chicken hanging out of my mouth. I don't know, we'll see where this goes.
If I ever write a memoir I'm thinking "Choosing to sit in a vat of shit" would fit
She just kept roaring and saying Katy Perry had nothing on her. Wtf did she take?
We're going to watch the inauguration and fuck. Or fuck and watch the inauguration, I'm not picky, just get your ass over here by ten.
Randomize
