I think im going to throw up on grandma
yeah, i liked him til i heard he had a sac that could apparently smother my face.
You talked to that cop for like 15 minutes and when you got back, you told us you were "networking".
I just made easy mac in my blender. Beat that.
this is something i pride myself on being below average for
For some reason there are two like 10 year old black girls crumping at the bar. I feel like I'm in a missy elliot video.
So help me Jesus we're never drinking together again. But weekends don't count. Amen.
If Megan asks I spilled my water water all over her. I pissed on your roommate. You're welcome. I expect you to keep that on the down low. Seriously tell her the water thing
Yea it's a sex scar. But if anyone asks I tripped up carpeted stairs
One good thing about being a mom now, I can tell which guys I'm dating were breastfed and which weren't... By the way they latch on to my breast during sex! Kinda kills the mood.
I'm gonna cougar town the shit out of that prom.
Let's buy some Wrangler jeans and be real live men.
A guy was over-the-skirt fingering me on the dance floor and I stopped him to sensually rap in his ear. So that was my Halloweekend
I lost my wolf penis dildo in my garage. I should probably find it before I resume my garage sale tomorrow...
21st birthday weekend in Vegas has concluded and all I'm missing is my underwear and 'Contacts' icon on my phone home screen.
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