He chugged from a bottle of wine and then we had pretend sex
How do you have pretend sex?
It was bad...so it was pretend
20 yrs from now I just want to barge in her house and yell at her kids, "I took ur moms virginity!"
you gave the police officer your chanel wallet and said 'just keep it the i.d. is fake too'.
dont worry, it'll just be a conversation starter like "why did you get that pierced?" or "wow, i got arrested there too"
What makeup look will say to the therapist 'I am a smart, well-adjusted young woman'?
Put cigar in mouth backwards. Plz remind to check for scar in morning, can't feel it now. Screwdrivers are like morphine.
its coolsest when we hear the beat in our water bottles. and the likghts are in his eyes now. oh holland
next time we drink: battle shots.
battle shots or battle shits? if its the first, explain. if its the second I think I figured it out.
my roommates tied me up with rope and duct tape then left me outside the door to the hot girls' suite on my floor, knocked on the door and ran away leaving me there with a sign that says free
Yeah i just finished watching someone play ping pong with his penis it didn't fully register until after a few seconds
There's a Taco Bell quesadilla in my shower caddy right now.
It was really strange. I feel like I had sex with a synchronized swimmer.
I'll give you a blowjob in a Santa hat if it will put you in the Christmas spirit
The sex was totally worth how awkward its gonna be for the next few weeks
So drunk last night I reviewed my recent anazon purchase of secret deodorant. Trust me, it was eloquent.
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