There is a stranger person in my roommates bed...
i had a dream that your penis turned into a long neck dinosaur
did it start talking like on Land before time?
I saw him at work today and he gave me a really awkward "I know what you do drunk" look...
just smash crush and snort whatever we can get our paws on
I knew I fell for you for a reason
Wow anytime a scalper has i need tix written on the back of a franzia box thats a trusted seller
happy birthday! Any relationship between us is now officially illegal.
ohhh no, absolutely not. i am waaayyy too superstitious to have sex with the self-proclaimed "baby-maker" on father's day...
Is today national text-a-girl-whose-had-your-dick-in-her-mouth day and I just wasn't aware?? I am getting the most random "just saying hey" texts ever and that's the only common denominator.
i almost set my kitchen on fire last night. homecoming week is getting the best of me
Apparently one comment in my womens studies class cockblocks yourself for an entire semester.
Her fortune said that she will soon be free. She's taking her bra off at the table.
There should be a company that sends nadgrams. They're like candy grams except the recipient gets kicked in the balls.
I feel like he's mythological. Like you just had lunch with the Loch Ness Monster of hotness
You know we have no secrets, right? I mean, you saw me shitting in a gift bag drunk and naked on Christmas eve.
Idk I saw a cheetah print onesie and it reminded me of your Lion King fantasy.
Randomize
