i found two dead squirrels on my front step this morning.. do you think they have something to do with my missing phone?
This is ridiculous. It's like playing possible STD Clue, and I don't want to be the winner.
he might be the rich husband I pretend to love for the rest of my life!!!!
I just realized I'm trading you a pregnancy test for the morning after pill...
It's been a bad semester.
Some kids in a school bus just saw me jacking off in my car. This is how 89% of children find out about sex.
I think I shall call his penis Gatsby. We talk about it all the time, but I never see it.
GLITTER SLIP N SLIDE MUTHAFUCKAH~
How frowned upon is it to take your vibrator into the tanning bed...because Operation: dripping wet is in full swing and I have a busy schedule
I hate to stick you with the friend but I did all the work.
Dudes don't just lick butts of chicks they're not into.
Why did u text me "I want to get drunk and go to pizza hut tomorrow. don't let me forget." at 3am??
That text was pretty fucking self-explanatory, man.
BRIAN AND ANTHONY SPOON FED MY BROTHER MACARONI AND CHEESE WHILE HE WAS FUCKING ZARA. THEY WENT TO HIGHFIVE HIM AND ZARA WAS LIKE "WOO!" AND HIGHFIVED THEM FIRST
Just remembered someone sprayed perfume in my mouth last night after convincing me it was vodka and that i tried to herd ducks around campus and bring one home.
I've been in town for almost 36 hrs and I haven't made out with a stranger yet - I consider THAT a record!
then he said the sex was mediocre and that it was because of me. and that we could try again tomorrow.
it was 100% mediocre because of him, and we will 100% not be trying again tomorrow.
Randomize
