did I really admit that id have sex with that cougar had I been more drunk?...ugh...i need to masterbate more
It was just pointed out to me in a meeting that there is a lipstick stain on my crotch.
If you really hate me that much, you need to stop letting me put my penis inside of you. It sends the wrong message.
I just sold my mom a dimebag. Should I feel scared or sucessful?
Why would vodka do this to me? I've always been loyal
Trust me I was high for like 5 years...I got this
I feel like delivery guys should know that when you order lunch for one and answer the door wearing sweatpants, there's no need to say "Happy Valentine's Day."
If you wanna be a real wingman, create some insecurity and comment on that pic of all the hot girls with "Id do every girl in this pic.. except the fat one".
Remember that mom/daughter stripper team? Well i just met the ex husband/father in AA. WOW!!!! WOW....
LOVE ME MORE THAN PIZZA CAN
I was looking at the storm clouds during my run and one oddly resembled ur penis
I don't know what's worse the fact that I woke up with a clit piercing or the fact that I didn't pay for it.
They asked me my level of pain at the hospital and I told them I called my ex 6 times
God I miss you. I would very much like to have sexual intercourse with you. I'm home eating chicken alfredo.
Puking out the window is really hard when you're the one driving.
Randomize
