I acted like I was still sleeping as she gathered her stuff to leave.. that's when she let one rip
Whenever I don't wipe thoroughly after shitting, I just think that anyone if anyone sticks their finger up my ass, they had it coming.
the homeless guy was waiting for me this morning. this is the closest to a boyfriend ive had in years.
Just found pics of us from Mardi Gras last year. Your boob job really is better than mine.
I just woke up in my ex-boyfriends bed, with my new boyfriends jersey on. I love March maddness.
He's my BOYFRIEND but he won't sext me. I'll be like, "tell me how you want to fuck me", and he's like, "I love how we can talk about our feelings". FUCK
I'm sooo hungover. I fell asleep on top of a car in a parking lot last night. New one to add to the list.
I'm spending tomorrow with her. What should my ridiculous personal goal be? I've already got a blowjob while eating a cupcake
His cat watched us the ENTIRE time. Every time I glanced over the poor kitty looked at me as if I were pelvic thrusting her father to death.
i got pulled over completely sober but looking like death. dick cop made me do a field sobriety test. he also said "no sober person could have 7 BK bags"
I don't trust him but hanging out with him might be fun
he's literally satan but yeah probably
This is the third time this month a guy I’m not dating has dumped me. How is this even possible???
He tried to do a JoJo pose and wound up breaking his wrist in the process. Truly a story for the ages.
I woke up on the hammock spooning a box of Cheese Itz.
What time is our conjugal visit?
Umm...who is this?
Randomize
