What are we going to do tonight?
What we try to do every night. Take over the world
Im sitting next to shitfaced santa at the cuse game. My plan to be on television is now flawless
hey did I tally my arm again of # of shots?
nope, you were tallying rejections at the party
I'm guessing "whatever I can get" wasn't the reply the nurse wanted when asking what med I need. Oh, and asked for a cartoon band-aid.
I literally might walk of shame home on a cable car. If that doesn't scream San Francisco I don't know what does
Mega depressed bro. Had the greatest sex with the hottest girl I've ever seen and in the AM she gave me that look I've given dozens of times. I'm her drunken fat chick fuck
Someone just told me I could double date with them and their dog as my date. This is why the suicide rates are so high at the holidays.
pretty sure I just came the closest to throwing up in my pants that I'm ever gonna get. I'd like to thank the academy and the hangover thatt I hope actually kills me in the morning.
Or I could hide in your trunk so you can sneak out of putt putt for sex breaks
it was like teleporting. everytime i opened my eyes, i was somewhere different... usually the floor.
I told you for Halloween we just need to let the loins free! Let the girth come to us in a flock, drenched with passion!
I need to calm my uterus...
Officially locked in my status as an indifferent millennial by downloading Tinder.
i got woken up by a cockroach crawling onto my hand and now i'm pretty sure i'll never be clean again
You know that thing where you wouldn't typically eat ass but you're in love with him so you want to eat his ass, because it's HIS ass
Randomize
