hey my socially awkward cousin is our designated driver for summer, we just have to put up with her wierd shit.
just told my mom that i'm having a bad day and she responded with "maybe you should pour yourself a nice drink". good to know that my parents support my future of alcoholism
i would hope so, cause i don't think 'i drove off the road because i was getting some head' is covered in insurance
You passed out in the bathroom with the door locked. Had to take a shit in your litter box. Don't worry, your cat buried it for me.
I can't believe I paid your booty call for a ride home in cake.
Please do not make a facebook page for my hickeys.
And then he posed under the bed and said, "you should draw me like one of your french girls." Why do they keep giving this kid drugs?
i love when the champions come out to play im bringin the shock collar this weekend
Just thinking about this summer makes me feel a slight tingle of an orgasm mixed with a twinge of regret as the cold ghostly feeling of multiple hangovers creep into my body.
Two run-ins with cops/park rangers tonight and now I'm just wandering around high and shirtless
Sacramento doesn't deserve you
my new game is to try to use the phrase "explosion in your mouth". as much as possible on tinder.
My girlfriend is talking to my ex-boyfriend at the bar right now. I REPEAT, GIRLFRIEND IS TALKING TO EX BOYFRIEND RIGHT NOW. GET ME THE FUCK OUT OF THIS PLAACE
Do it break your family into faction start a civil war
Finally got with the virgin.
Yeah? Howd that go?
As soon as I got it all the way in, I looked deep into her eyes and said "your soul is mine" in the deepest voice I could make. She was not amused.
At least he uses his lack of impulse control for chaotic good instead of chaotic evil
Randomize
