I'm sitting in the drive through at Mcdonalds right now watching the workers pressure wash the vomit I left from last night.
guy at the corner shop gets out a bottle of tequilla and a pack of malboro light whenever he sees me through the door. makes me feel loved and cared for
you kept saying 'can i put my penis on the grill?' and it was all i could do to stop you. you're welcome, though
he was cradling you in his arms feeding you rum straight from the bottle and you kept sucking his fingers.
yeah that's what i said...you fucked him and peed on his comforter
yeah well...Like any great yacht, I leave a wake
how sketchy is it to eat a candy wrapped in masking tape from reggae night? because we totally just split it...
When he pulls out of you and farts and says ahh I wanted to do that for the past 30 mins ....you rethink the next drunken hook up
I dreampt that we were shooting zombies while we having sex. Is that normal?
Someone sharpied "COCK HUNGRY" on my butt cheeks last night. When the fuck did I have my ass out?
Holy shit, just saw a girl in the library smoking a bong disguised as a calculator
STOP PUTTING PICTURES OF JONAH HILL IN MY KITCHEN CABINETS!
No it's like. I don't respect you. And I think you're a terrible person but. I still wanna bone it out.
The FEDEX guy just cock blocked me by getting his van stuck in my driveway
You want further proof that God hates me? Okay. We're on the way to the ER. A homeless man stabbed me at the gas station.
We’ve got a propane heater on our back porch if you want to come over and eat a McRib in peace
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