Planet Earth isn't gonna get stoned and watch itself.
It's weekends like this that make it obvious why we have to pay to come to college.
So you know that marine I slept with, well his girlfriend just told me I was pretty, I almost feel bad for sleeping with him now...
Dont! You were just serving you country
im laying here in the parking lot drinking a warm coke, prob still drunk, feeling like i need to apologize to everyone i know
Well now I have my semen on her headphones
We sold so many girl scout cookies when we were little. What went wrong?
Sweetie, don't go home with him. You can do so much better. Everyone else at the bar agrees.
Turns out, his fucking is as lame and staggered as his NFL career.
"Bring the kids" is the most terrifying 3 words I've ever heard in my life.
I had to smuggle a street sign attached to a 14ft long pole out of my house this morning. The list of reasons for me not to drink just keeps getting longer.
Dude what the fuck...
Are you still going to come over for your post Alcoholics Anonymous beer?
Abort mission; I repeat: Abort mission.I found an attractive one.
they set my background as his mugshot to remind me "having a big penis won't be a valid excuse in a court room."
I got propositioned to get involved with an engaged couple. I told them I didn't think my married couple would like me to see other couples...
Uhhh...I just found your 10 dollar bill in my bra. I owe you 10 dollars.
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