Call meee
Ok, but just to warn you, I'm as drunk as a Kennedy right now...
he told me not be awkward when his girlfriend comes tomorrow. and then he made out with me
Hey! Thanks for asking, but it didnt go well. He threw up in the car on the way to dinner. Blind dates arent for everyone.
And then the cop told me my court date was on 4/20. I said come onn u really gunna do me like that
Going to pass out with da shoes on. hugging wallstreet journal from tuesday. please check me for liveliness in the morning.
She ate the cookie then went to the emergency room. Now her fam is pressing charges. Don't people understand you DON'T steal baked goods from potheads??
Doing laundry, just found a knob off your stove in my pants pocket. I don't know.
I also just told a guy I was available for counseling in case he needed to 'bang' things out. I've become a monster.
That stripper was not happy when I tried putting a dollar in her court mandated ankle bracket/tracking device
I hate you so much right now. You got us kicked out of my favorite bar because your drunk ass was hogging the Bluetooth jukebox and would play NOTHING but that goddamn skeleton song. IT'S NOT EVEN OCTOBER YET.
Spopky scrzy skeletonssz
Of course i made out w him. He was painted green. You know of my secret longing for the Hulk.
If he sends me a dick pic so help me god.
We were 69ing, but at an angle so we could both still watch Wall-E
Just landed in Atlanta. Still drunk. I can't feel my face
It’s Sunday Funday! Stop watching football and bring your penis over here. There will be plenty of scoring!
Randomize
