dude why did you let me call her?!
i told you it was a bad idea and to quote you exactly, you said "no, it's a good idea..that's what people do when they love each other." you met her 15 minutes prior to that conversation...
How long do you need to date somebody until it is acceptable to fart in their presence?
The real question is how long do you need to date them to dutch oven them?
Just used the salt in the bottom of my mcdonalds bag from last night on the eggs i made this morning. Way too hungover for this
You were spitting chewed up pretzle into my hands telling me to hold it for you.
She woke up laying on my kitchen floor, ketchup bottle as her pillow, in front of my fridge.
I sat in the bathroom on the counter and gave out advice to all the random people that walked in
See, the Lortab wasn't working enough, so I thought "hey, vodka can speed that up! That's how science works!" Which probably should've been my indication that the Lortab was in fact working
Last night I was this close to hooking up with someone called "Handjob Pat" dubbed for the time he paid $150 for a handjob in Canada.
I'm so high. Midnight pancake breakfast in bed
He went snooping and now he's all intimidated by my super amazing box of sexy time toys.
Please stop calling it that.
We started a fund for a baby in a wine glass, I think we're pretty responsible.
Remember last NYE when after the 9th shot of tequila you went on full crazy mode and made out with the 50 y/o doorkeeper? and he called you the next day?
Either my apartment is haunted or I'm far more drunk than I thought
Tonight was a total waste of a shaved vagina
so he found out i have him as "average size" in my phone. fair to say we arnt going to be dating anymore
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