Just did shrooms. Don't feel shit! Wsasted 40 bucks on this! Nothing's happenig except for this little gnome on my shoulder and the couch is melting. Fuckin waste of money.
just wanted to thank u for shitting in my dads bidet last night. i had to manually scoop ur shit out of it. btw ur dumped.
I told the cop it was my birthday and he said "happy fuckin birthday", handcuffed me and threw me in the back of the cop car.
It's Monday. What a great day to start the weekend on the week of st. Patricks day
Gonna post on craigs list missed connections - "I was that really drunk bitch that threw up in your car. I'd like to pay for detailing"
the problem with open bar is i never know what to get
did you really just start a sentence with "the problem with open bar is..."
I'd feel sorry for him and his injury but it's an inconvenience for my vagina
Bad behavior is like a petri dish that grows organically In my heart
by 11 am we'd already been drunk twice. how much lower can you go?
Hey, I'm making progress. I haven't thrown up in a bar while wearing a sweater vest in almost two months.
80% sure the drag queens carried her home
He was the highest I've ever seen. Almost had him convinced there are only three colors in the rainbow...
Let's put it this way. Mom is bringing me a new shirt and I smell like lube.
If you can't beat em, make them send you dick pics so they can't do anything stupid again.
Pretty sure he proposed because my house is awesome. His ass is a ten and he's offering to pay more than half the bills... How expensive is a divorce really? I mean I could probably put up with him for three or four years but a lifetime is a big ask.
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