elementary school lunch room party. everyone brings their own lunch and can trade stuff. all juice is booze.
i woke up to find out i googled the Twilight Eclipse trailer. so either drunk me doesn't know that i'm straight, or sober me doesn't know that i'm gay
he yelled at me for calling the fat girl fat. if I can't call out fat girls to my brother who do i have?
He hit on a bridal shower w/ his hand on my tit the entire time. Gave his number to the mom.
is there a reason blood came out of my hair in the shower?
head injury at diner. you headbutted the wall a few times because it got in your way
Oh my god, I totally forgot we call your penis "Godzilla's Tail".
strip teases shouldnt end with an expensive car covered in salsa and mayonnaise yet here we are
I'm just going to ride dicks all the way to the to the gates of hell
Your cousin just directly asked you for nudes
His truck was very sexy. Unfortunately, shortly thereafter, I discovered that the whole overcompensating thing is very true...
did you call me last night and say you were being kidnapped?
I WILL KICK YOU IN THE FUCKING THROAT IF YOU EAT MY FUCKING ICE CREAM.
Fun fact: deep throating plus dehydration plus eating a lot of citrus = my throat is fucked. Metaphorically and physically.
Remeber when we went camping and fucked those two guys? Yeah me either but I'm covered in poison oak so I'm guessing it's from that.
I just want to find somebody intelligent enough to trick my parents into thinking she's not a trophy wife. Is that too much to ask?
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