Did you know nanny-cams work just as well for recording that blow job on the sofa?
Ya but I plan to getting arrested more towards the end of summer
I'm impressed you managed to decipher 'annslqllpprebBcncnj' into 'I'm drunk at the Vic, come pick me up and do me on the kitchen table'
Come to me. Jacob is confessing his love and all I want is a hot dog. With chili. Not love.
I'm drunk and you're awesome. let's stay this way forever.
Got paid to make out with a girl. It takes skill to be this drunk and still make money
My god. His mom just smacked my ass. Does this mean I'm accepted??
You sat on a wall pretending to be a gargoyle before shouting "batman!" and jumping at me
I'm the drunk Des Moines deserves, but not the one it needs
3-9 out of 10... Depends on the situation. Taco Bell is more of an idea than a restaurant.
How stoned are you?
Heard you were the one that shit off Jamie's balcony. FYI there is a cabbie down here out for blood
Do you think there are two dudes living in an apartment somewhere that go to the store and call it Brocery shopping?
Oh god...probably.
answer my text you professional douchebag
and i mean that in the cutest, flirtiest way possible
I asked him if we could switch positions so I could watch the Olympics... I'd say date number two is a miss
Nothing like sunday church bells to aid your walk to the pharmacy to get plan b
This wine tastes amazing. It's like a fermented hug.
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