Do you have any cake mix? I kind of need to make a "im sorry i drank all your parents tequila, threw up all over your floor and slept with you boyfriend" cake.
he spent the whole night trying to convince me into a2m. i won't even use the pb til i clean the jelly knife. i love him but it's not going to happen.
things that need to be invented #43: vodka that also acts as birth control.
then you put baby powder on the bottom of your feet and walked to your room so "ladies would follow the footprints"
she peed on how many people?
I'm not sure any amount of coworker judgement will keep me from eating oatmeal with dinosaur eggs.
Is that a tongue signal to get over there? That's how my two heads are taking it.
Are you drunk? Because I am and if you're not, this may be very awkward in the morning
Thats for me to know and you to find out.
He puked over my shoulder into the toilet. The guy in the next stall sounded totally appalled.
It hurts to hear and I can smell shapes.
Oh man I wish I could've gotten a picture of how many anti-circumcision stickers are on this Prius
DO NOT TOUCH THE SOAP ITS HAD SOME UNORTHODOX USES WITHIN THE PAST 15 HOURS
Noo not in a booty call way, in a 'How are your abs and penis doing today?' sort of way.
Got pulled over today for going 90 in a 40 zone with my leg out of the window. Still got out of the ticket. I'm getting way too good at this. Wanna trade bodies so we can see if it's my boobs or my charm?
I guess I’m only into threesomes at Halloween, because I just woke up next to “Marilyn Monroe” and “Joe DiMaggio” in their condo
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