We need to start having rules for the weekends. Like no more downing 3 shots because we want to slut dance a little harder or because biggie just came on.
I just shot gunned a beer for your birthday alone because you're too hungover at midnight to get out of bed. I'm not sure which of us is the bigger loser
I don't think the TSA agent thought getting iced while searching my bag was as funny as I did.
If this herpes test comes back negative I'm asking out the doctor.
chugging beers on the train. people are staring. I would be offended if it wasn't 8:30
We ended up getting arrested after we flagged down the cops for a ride home with open beers in our hands... turns out the "nobody told me" excuse doesn't cut it anymore
I may or may not have just sent the bartender a pic of me in my slutty cheerleader costume with the caption "rah rah ree, gimme yo d"
bro i dont care how hot she was, you try keeping it up with the amount of puppet he had in her room, it was like fucking in jeff dunham's house
Idk what was more embarassing, seeing her face when I finished, or seeing her roomates faces thru the door..
Shhhh less advice, more soothing words and dirty phrases
I woke up in some kids room and he introduced me to his friends at breakfast as "Monica" so I just went with it.
i just hope we're both dead or in prison at the same time
Dude so help me god I WILL weigh a penis one day
I HAVENT HAD A NICE A NICE DICK SINCE FEBRUARY!! I WANNA KEEP THIS ONE!!!
I'm watching Netflix with my cats and eating homemade bread. Everyone and everything can go and fuck itself.
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