but really, i care about skinny girls as much as michael vick cares about rotweilers
you told him to eat candy out of your ear instead of your vagina because you had your period. never. drink. AGAIN.
no jill really. Evrything around me is talking to me. The plant, my dog, the tv,the lamp. Its amazing.
...that's why he's not doing anything with his life except breeding geckos
Shame should no longer be a word in your vocabulary.
she passed out facedown in my lap while I was playing piano. 11 years of piano lessons finally paid for themselves.
malibu coconut giveth, and malibu coconut taketh away
What ever happened to the whole 'innocent until proven guilty' thing. Like 'not pregnant until proven pregnant'. That's how it should be...
If it carries over into the weekend I would be glad to nurse your vagina back to health.
This chic sharing the cab with me just started givin me head. I'll be an extra 5 minutes.
I've been on this train for an hour and this women has been on the phone and all she's said is "guuurrrrrlllll, gurl, gurl." I may commit suicide.
And literally 4loko margaritas are callin my name. They're like "Hey girl come on over here I'll make you forget about grades and boys and it'll be a good idea to send everyone 55 snapchats of your cleavage" ok
I will kick you in all of your body parts. All at once.
Just passed a girl holding a jar filled with what appeared to be diarrhea
At some point i am going to say to you "i have this really bad idea! You in? " just go with it.
Randomize