Hi Jason, it's Liz. We dont need you to pick us up anymore. I dont care if you will be here in a milisecond. And you should know im wearing really amazing shoes.
Then you jumped off your bed with your arms outstretched, yelled "I'm Goliath, watch out New York!" and then began singing the Gargoyles theme song as you 'soared' around your room.
Don't be ridiculous, the Gargoyles theme song has no words. How could I sing that mess?
You just started going "da da da da da! da da da da da! DA DA!!" then going "swoosh" as you glided about.
Sorry if I put you in that 'glad we're hanging out but I'm gonna go fuck your cousin' kind of position
Can you give me a hickey quick? Im going to a white trash themed party. Completely serious
God forbid we drive unregistered mopeds without license plates on a pedestrians only sidewalk without goggles while flipping off passing cars.
And my cat won't make me food. She's a bitch
My mom slipped a condom in my pocket along with a sticky note that said "be safe sweetie."
I'm just going to text him the word sex repeatedly until he comes over.
Did it work?
Duh, it only took 27 texts and 15 minutes and he was at my front door.
I just pictured ballsacks being shoveled into the furnace of the Titanic.
Am I over stepping my bounds if I ask to fuck in your new bathroom?
It has heated floors
I could run a drunk marathon in heels
Some girl just ordered Chinese delivery to her therapy appointment...
I woke up to Dragon Ball Z playing in Portuguese and a donut shish-kebab~ed on a dick in my face.
I responded with revoking his blow job privileges. Needless to say, he's learned his lesson.
My bookbag can hold 30+ beers. They shoulda put that on the tag bc its a big selling point
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