Dude, I just spun my iPhone on my boner without it falling off. I belong in cirque du soleil.
You got off, kissed my dick and whispered "stay hard" to it, puked and then got right back on top of me like nothing happened...
Your excuse of not making us Mac and cheese was that you couldn't find 6 cups of water...
You can't use the, "think about your future" line when trying to convince me to save some weed for tomorrow.
Wine floats aren't as good of an idea as they seem
You get to be the grown up. Leave a ciabatta by his face.
I have whiskey and jager. There's no telling what kind of monster will emerge
Brandon's Recipe: two parts cocoa, one part sugar, one part milk, two parts four, 378 parts paranoia. Thanks for the fucking brownies, bitch.
He expects to fuck my tits but will ignore me in public.
This is one of those times I wish I had a time machine so I could go back and punch myself in the face to make me realize what I need to do before it's too late
Still not sure if my open-bar-week-long-trip to Cuba is the best idea as a congratulations-for-my-sober-february-challenge. My liver might just explode and give up.
I blacked out and when I woke up and looked at the counter.. there was a full cake upside down. I dont even understand ...
I don't know where you went, but if you're anywhere near the liquor, pour me another drink
I woke up to him watching me sleep and after I told him it was over he asked if we were still on for Vegas next weekend
I woke up wearing mittens dude
I woke up in my bathtub with the potted plant from downstairs.
checkmate.
Randomize
