My favorite part of our friendship is your tits.
I feel like death. And death is wearing a fleece blanket as a dress. And is seriously contemplating wearing this to go get something to eat.
I told her you were a premature ejaculator. She nodded and said "Really? Wow, how long's he been a Pilot for?"
you are both the best and worst wingman ever.
nothing like Chinese food and masturbating on a Saturday night
my 3 favorite things in life are tequila, dicks, and making sandwiches. that DOES NOT make me a bad person.
He's yummy.
HE'S GAY. AND 40.
Irrelevant.
Okay good. I don't want another mom thinking I got their daughter pregnant.
Fyi: beer caps are stronger then bathroom counters
You went streaking and came back with your shirt inside out. Then said "it happens in the line of duty" and passed out.
So we came to a decision, you need to fuck your hot roommate and send us pictures. We voted, so don't hate the democracy this great country stands for
Well I'll be shitfaced all day the 4th in honor of this great nation... but I'm down for drunken camping/nature fucking on the 5th
He told me the hickey on the side if his neck was actually a "bruise" from hitting a bird on his motorcycle. I'm not sure what's more impressive, the fact people believed him due to the size of the mark or the fact you gave it to him.
I've turned into a small time drug dealer, now who's the real MVP.
Dick is healthier for you than green beans
You know when your cat drags a dead bird into the the house as a present and drops it at your feet looking all pleased because it thinks you'll be pleased? That's what sex with him was like.
Randomize
