You are the one person I know will appreciate this- and I'm aware that its nearly 5 am- but I have 3 words... G spot orgasm. BE JEALOUS
I totally have a Rabbi on speed dial now. Keep it Kosher.
im giving 12 year olds life advice. this is probably illegal somewhere.
Before he took my jeans off all he said was "no hard feelings from middle school right?"
I can't tell which way is up. Too many corners around his house too. An arbitary assimilation of edges.
Christ, I swear you are the high man's Dr. Seuss.
I repeat the shot was ON FIRE. I am never going to a pirate bar again.
I went from innocently day drinking to waking up handcuffed in jail. Fuck you game days
Hungover/still slightly drunk at work. Opened a bag of cheese with a box cutter. Pretty sure I need stitches.
Actually, what with the curvature of the Earth, it's faster to leave from Washington. And Google maps recommends kayaking instead of swimming.
It's really not cool dreaming about going into labor with your ex boyfriends love child as you're sleeping next to him.
At tuba camp, the pickings are slim. It's like being the tallest midget.
All of my exes are either overweight and neckbearded or dead. Someone out there is looking out for me.
he woke me up with all the stuff I had at his house in boxes i had to unwrap my own belongings and he said. Happy v-day its time to see ya day! Worst day ever
Yeah. I fucked her boyfriend, she knows, and she still wants to keep dating him. That's love.
And it only took a fake engagement ring, a condom and a bowl of weed
Randomize
