Hookup with hot guy from gym, check. Wake up to find he's peed in my closet, double check.
I just found out that the liquid capacity of my breasts is 700ml each. I should not be left alone at home when drunk.
then mid-sex he looked at me and said "i hope this is as good for you as it is for me" and kept going.
He just asked if I would make his black snake moan. Dating basketball players is not worth the glory
She answered the door wearing a blanket and holding a golf club. I was too late for this party.
and everything will be beautiful and nothing will hurt and we will eat nachos
Like I couldn't describe it to you but if they did a lineup of penises i'd be able to pick it out.
There's a really old guy here with a really young girl. I'm guessing he has to make choo choo train noises to get his dick in her mouth.
Please be advised that because of last year's "incident" we will no be starting St. Pat's day with spicy breakfast burritos and car bombs. Please plan accordingly.
If you're wearing dry underwear your day is already better than mine.
Is it bad that I coached my cousins 6 year old boy to steal a 30 rack of keystone out of an unattended cooler at our family reunion, or was I just giving him a social head start in high school? I err on the side of awesome.
If TJ is short for Trader Joe, I'm gonna fuck him
sitting in a shitty karaoke bar playing pokemon go and drinking a mimosa. how is your sunday night
See and now you're talking. I am like the fairy godmother of hook ups.
She started crying, nearly punched a guy, started smoking multiple cigarets backwards and broke the slide on her bong. Why do I always end up babysitting the crazy ones?
Randomize
