I just woke up and i'm wearing a cape and it says sup slut on my ass
I just watched a girl at work pick her nose with 4 of her 5 fingers. So I now know what sausage biscuits taste like in vomit form.
i am officially better prepared for a hangover tomorrow than i was for christmas.
Just found out the guy that gave me herpes died. now everytime I get a flare up, it'll be like he's coming back to say hello
He looks like a fat version of lurch from the adams family and smells like fritos. This is not the caliber man I want pleasuring himself to the thought of me!
I'm trying to ve beat feiesnd sent.
Because it was 5am and I had a shitty mixed drink and I was threatening to put my balls in your face.
Not the worst first impression I've experienced.
Someone just knocked jenga into a plate of cake. I'm licking off each piece one by one.
Proudest moment of my life. Just watched a guy walk into the side of a car because I winked at him. Love these yoga pants and my hair. Fuck yes. His mouth was hanging open.
Stop saying "make it happen". I'm not gonna say "hey, you should get naked with your sister and roll around together while I penetrate you both"
Yes. Do not say that. That will not make it happen.
Still. Make it happen
I'm staying at his house to solve the homeless situation. There's a freezer bag of weed in the fridge. He doesn't know it's there, and he's not missing it so I may have an income soon.
Uh, he still talks to you after you basically sexually harassed him using emojis?
How do you delicately ask if your friend's dad was arrested for solicitation of prostitution?
Okay so it turns out that my bf keeps a log of every time I sleep-fart. It's dated back to 2013.
If there was a gecko involved in your BDSM I'm gonna have to request that not happen when we live together ;)
Randomize
