God is so good, I would give him a blow job right now.
im dressed up like a present. waiting for someone to unwrap me ;)
this is your brother
Im drinking a large pickle jar full of Emergency, water and left over pickle juice and I dont care.
i hope youre ready for a shit show because we just ordered a whole pitcher of red headed sluts
I mean, yeah, she was cheating on me but I've been fucking her brother. My secret relationship trumps her secret relationship.
The weekend is off to a good start: she just got into a verbal fight with a hobo. Nearly a fist fight.
What vodka is american?
Skyy. I already looked it up for 4th of july.
He picked me up in the very car he devirginized me in, his moms toyota.
Need to spend sober time with him while fully clothed. I can't decide if he's a seriously amazing man or a complete fucking dickbag.
This is me not judging you for what a fine line you draw between the two.
Also, I called my liver hardcore in front of vet students last night and then wound up having three of them trying to palpate it. So...not saying that again.
You offered the police officer a Snickers ice cream bar and cried when he wouldn't take it...
Just please don't close your legs while I'm down there again. I don't want my death to be labeled as "Head crushed while giving an individual cunnilingus".
So now I know what having sex while surrounded by chickens feels like.
half way down the stairs my legs said fuck this and i just fell the rest of the way...
I need more 20 something year old penis in my life
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