why doesnt he love me? i have tried everything. i even sang to him after sex.
you have got to be kidding?
He then proceeded to try to whisper up my nose...
Never underestimate the healing power of vomiting and a bath.
Um I just overheard that the new guy spent a month in jail. Obvi another great hire.
Just a heads up, i'm sleeping in te back seat of your car so don't be freaked out when you see me in the A.M.
Im in the bathtub drunk. Less than an hour before the interview. This will be the best or worst career move ever., support?
I have to date her. We need a place to stay when we go tailgating.
Sorry I never got back to you, I ended up at a party with pot ice cream, pot apple cider, and hash vegetable oil.
Also. This Ativan makes me feel fearless. I think we need an exciting new hobby for when we take it. How do you feel about ghost hunting?
I just totok an inventory of my purse: 1 apple, 1 pair of underwear, 7 condoms, $18 in ones, a check with "for sexual healing" in the subject line, and a 4 oz bottle of wine.
Oh! and a letter from a judge saying I got an interview. Cause that balances it out.
Why is there puke in my guitar?
Because you puked in your guitar.
What's the polite way to say "hey I don't actually want to fuck you, I just swiped right on you because you didn't like me in high school and I needed validation"
Like seriously, I would not be going if there wasn't pizza
I've never been so drunk at home. I just sat on the toilet playing with toilet paper for ten minutes, I almost made a paper crane.
I believe the only reason I am slightly functional right now is the leftover drugs in my nose that I keep sniffing
Randomize
