i just shoved 27 marshmallows in my mouth
well thats a nice change of pace from what you normally put in your mouth
I am now Facebook friends with Donkey Lips from Salute Your Shorts
i perioded on his leg
on. his. leg.
Throwing up while listening to pandora radio. Don't tell me my life doesn't have theme music.
These welts and bruises from letting gay boys whip my thighs last night are a clear indication i should lay off the tequila.
We had him convinced Visine is flammable. He was genuinely freaked out that everyone would know when he was stoned.
It's cosmic balancing. My vagina is an instrument of karmic retribution.
Hey, I took a sweater from your house. And, um, your little brother's virginity.
Today is the day I die from a hangover. I love you, mom. Farewell.
Sex and sushi don't even sound good right now... I might be on my death bed. To my Liz, I leave my extensive movie collection and my drinking supplies. To Olive I leave my car. Cause every Scottish terrier needs a 2010 Camaro.
I wore a shirt that says "more tequila" to my bday party last year and that's why I want to be my own friend
my whole checking account just had a funeral down bourban street, paid for that, and then bought everyone 5 shots of fireball...
My mom just looked at me and said; "You've been pretty bitchy lately do you need some dick?" WTF has happened to me?
So I come home this morning to get ready for a job interview and there is garlic seasoning all over the hardwood and a knife in the wall. What. the. fuck.
Apparently I repeatedly thanked the paramedic for saving the "happy new year" beads i was wearing. that bad.
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