Dogs love guiness but it fucks up their kidneys
She said her name was "party"
I’m once again drinking at eight am on a Sunday in my tutu. This garment is literally my best purchase ever.
He could list all of the presidents! Every one, and in order!! I was so impressed the least I could do was give him a blow job.
Ah, yes. Making our founding fathers proud.
I convinced a girl to do a shot of salsa someone fell through the whole on the porch and Sara swallowed a beer tab
now you know why we've never bought a 12 pack of king cobras before.
As you were leaving the bar you grabbed a table and when they stopped you, you said "Its cool i came in with this". They did not believe you.
You rubbing siracha on a cat with your feet is the opposite of what I want.
Its like bringing all that milkshake to the yard and I'm a diabetic and can't have any
Some guy in the bathroom just took his shirt off and proceeded to tell me the story behind all of his stab wounds. That's what I get for making small talk
I'm sad that I feel like I need to temporarily change your name in my phone from Smashley until you have the baby and can be unsober with us again.
As much as I trust your struggle imma deal with being Eskimo brothers with my own sister before I get to that
He brought me hungover chipotle knowing full well he wasn't getting a blow job. I think he may be too in love with me.
Blacked in cold and wet, with them areound me singing Aaaaall we are saaaaayiiiing is YOU PEED YOUR PANTS
She's the prison bitch to my Martha Stewart.
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