I puked while I was brushing my teeth this morning and had to get a new tbrush
Ew, did you brush them again?
Yeah but i puked on the new one and decided to give up...failure
I was wasted and lost so I called the cops and asked for directions. It seemed logical at the time
So, I had a dream last night that girls approached guys at the bar and said things like "i would like to pleasure you tonight." No drink buying, no sweet talking or ANYTHING.....it. was. awesome.
He tipped the stripper with quarters. After that not even the waitress would talk to us. I had to move to another table to get a lapdance
i swear, about 40% of my drunken life is spent having sex with him.
I only put bad things in my body...jack, caffeine, chocolate, pills, and rich's cock. It's like being holistic but exactly opposite
I peed in my sheets during a dream. Like straight up. A whole new drunk.
I woke up five hours later with a mouthful of Jimmy John's while clinging to my sandwich.
BRING THE BAGELS
We were like ok let's be eachothers maid of honor and then you were like "ok see you at the wedding" and walked away
like don't tell me my baby smooth vag offended you
just the thought of you slurpin down noodles really rustles my jimmy
you suck at sexting
Doing blow in the bathroom isnt the same without you
Do a rail off the baby station in my honor
That female nurse who took a selfie with my man parts well I was out of it just got fired and arrested... You know all she had to do was ask lol
I lysoled the money\n(631): wrong text lmao
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