awkward like he asked me out for a "rest of the summer make out buddy" thing and I kind of had a female testicle retreat moment
The things that come out of my body both amaze and disturb me.
Reggie can tackle my bush.
his semen tasted like maple syrup. no wonder fat girls always wanna fuck him.
it was like that last scene in "It's A Wonderful Life" but with alcohol
It seems to me that once you begin comparing Jesus to hercules and calling him a super pimp you should put the wine away...
I think he's on the stoner protein diet. I just saw him, at 3 am, spreading mayo on a slice of deli ham and sprinkling salt on top.
We where late for the party because we spent the last hour staring at a towl becase we thought it was a raccoon
Why would you fall asleep? This is why i cant drink with my lesbian friends anymore. They take my clothes off and get vodka in my top ramen. Only yoouuu can prevent forest fires.
i'm pretty sure i can feel a baby kicking just looking at him. if he didnt impregnate you, you officially have an iron-clad uterus.
Well, most of my extended family doesnt know about my love for the penis, so they dont have a reason to disown me
You wanna know how bad I feel? I couldn't get out of bed to get the remote, so I just downloaded the comcast app on my phone so I could change the channels
Congratulations, you've begun to unfuck your life.
I walked so much yesterday and I was like holy fuck I need to do some cardio apart from sex cause this is ridic
In my defense, the second lapdance I gave was because of a dare.
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