yea i guess its safe to say fire extinguishers are not synonymous with whip cream cans
please dont ever try to drink horizontally again. I thought I was going to have to give you cpr
Some guy is walking around the bar with his dick out. Health code violation?
He was using OnStar to get directions to the bar. I'm pretty sure he'd have gotten her number too if I hadn't disconnected the call.
So my birthday was awesome. Only remember 45 min of it but I woke up with a girl on the couch and a half bowl of ground beef
high enough to want to lick peanut butter off of Michael Buble's vocal chords as he serenades me.
She looks like if Peter Griffin was a lesbian.
Run away.
I forgive you, at least you vote. I found out my fuck buddy isn't even registered. I won't fuck a non respectable citizen.
i made up my own drinking game and i took a secret shot every time someone asked me about school or my future
Of course not. I'd be offended if you didn't bring my boobs into casual conversation.
Novelty of the week: Getting my lipstick back in an evidence bag
Last night he told me I was never sexier than when I was cutting pizza. Seriously. Like, he's perfect.
Oh! I forgot to tell you. Part of that weird ass dream last night. I was jamie lee curtis and I cut off all my hair because yogurt.
In order to get rid of my bladder infections I must give up caffeine, nicotine and tight pants. It's like my pussy is an angry dictator or something
My professor just said irregardless, get me out of here
I guess he's ir-illiterate
Randomize
