i feel like the song jizz in my pants was made for him.
ice luge is my downfall...
...u mean upfall.
I thought Christmas was going to come before I did
Do you think my bosses would frown upon Jameson with breakfast on this holiest of days?
when i was ordering pizza, the guy muffled the phone but i could clearly hear him say "its that drunk bitch again"
I took the chef home. His dick even tasted like garlic
im drinking italian dressing and watching dexter. its 230am. lets never drink on sundays again.
I've used my house key more to do bumps of coke than I've used it to get in my house.
Cop came to our door looking for you. Something about sex in public and intoxication. I said you matched the description.
Dude you filled up a protein shake mixer with White Russians so you didn't have to keep coming upstairs.
Buy Actually if the police need to find my body I'm on an air mattress in an apartment near a McDonald's that's all I see out dat Window
The night went downhill when he took his pants off at our table and walked up to women saying "Special delivery"
The smoothie place is closed, but the liquor store is open and wine is kinda like a smoothie.
He just sprayed AXE in his mouth to get rid of his bad breath... THAT DRUNK
I just woke up in his bed.. in a cardboard castle, with a Justin Bieber poster on the ceiling staring down at me, cuddling with 4 empty PBR cans. I win.
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