a girl just walked by me crying on the phone saying, "all I ever do is menstruate"
It started as a joke and ended with a trip to the emergency room, a broken macbook and a gigantic hole in the concrete of my driveway.
I just saw a guy in a sombrero and holding an inflated blow-up doll in all her "glory" get escorted out of the mall. I hate Marley.
She said I'm so hungry I could eat a dick and winked at me
Will it be a clothes optional week when I get there? I have an amazing outfit of tattoos and toenail polish planned.
At 12:16 am. We just got out of the truck and went behind it and fucked. With 3 people in the truck. On the side of the road. As cars drove by.
These freshman guys were trying to holler at me from their window, and I realized about 20 minutes too late that the best possible reaction at that time would've been screaming "FLACCID PENIS". Oh, and I found this awesome zombie charm bracelet you would love.
I can only get day drunk because of my medicine now, so... There's that
I'll do my best. he just keeps yelling beer and doing dick helicopters
I used an emoji to tell him I was pregnant. I should feel bad about that, right?
He tried to brush a hair off my cheek, but turns out it was just a freakishly long chin hair. So no, we didn't bang.
My neck is sore from all the headbanging. And I can't tell the difference between the jello stains and cum stains.
A real best friend would support the hoe in me. Not remind me of what happened the last time I slept with a boss
Also I literally googled "how to fold socks" so that's how my day is going. How's yours?
What did you do with the dog when you went into the club?
coat checked
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