I was in a threesome last night that turned into a violent domestic dispute with damage to a hotel. Wish you were there!
When she showed me how she could touch her toes without bending her knees, suddenly her face didn't worry me quite as much.
A good ear swabbing is more orgasmic than sex with him
I'm pretty sure last night was the first time I've seen someone drink beer-soaked paper towels. Ever.
Ps there is nothing more humbling in the world than havin to watch cheaper by the dozen on the waiting room tv while getting the morning after pill at the drs. Nothing
I have family pictures in an hour and a half and I'm 9 beers deep. This is how I get written out of my grandparents will...
Today marks the 365th consecutive day of jerkin it. I couldn't have done it without you guys. #onlynewyearsresolutionaccomplished
Today's weekday brunch started at 2pm, and consisted of $7 of sandwich and $50 of cocktails. Also, I hustled the bartender for about $3 playing nickel poker, but he may have been letting me win. Either way, he didn't get into my pants.
There's times when I need to be plowed... and I'm ashamed to admit auto correct was able to predict that entire sentence.
Got out of the uber to projectile vomit in the McDonald's drive thru. Gonna take a break from the Cuervo for a while.
Hope you are okay. You were running down the street with shopping cart at one point and yelling "bitches aint shit!"
I am dancing alone in my bathroom because I was paranoid the neighbors were watching through the windows
Other than the whole stab wound in my leg thing, today was pretty good. The nurses all loved me and gave me a sandwich and juice.
I'm a peeled potato compared to her. I'm a peeled potato compared to anyone. I'm a peeled potato.
Are you high?
There’s so much sex at the hospital I’m beginning to think scrubs were invented to make duty booty easier
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