It has come to my attention that I should apologize for myself and my friends
I just found a beer bottle in my xmas tree while disassembling it. God, I'm going to miss the holidays.
someone should tell her that easter eggs aren't meant to be dildos.
He passed out on the patio with nothing on but his boxers. So we put our beer caps on him. Yeah he woke up with a polka dot sunburn.
im probably shirtless right now with a bottle of jack watching horton hears a who. this is a judgement free zone.
He said "ride me pocahontas" while I was on top of him last night
also, I heard you can donate your eggs for like $8gs....hellloooo mediterranean vacation. thank youuuu future babies!!!
Just got escorted to my 7:45 class by an old woman because I was too hungover to not realize I was four floors too high.
We did a lot of coke and Bedazzled the couch. It seemed like a good idea at the time.
There no better feeling of self control than stopping yourself before telling your girlfriend she gives head just like her sister.
I'm on tinder and every time somebody says something too creepy for me I start quoting scripture at them. My boobs are like missionaries.
I get a little bitchy. We all know that
When i was tripping hard i was banging Jeff's roommate and her room turned into Hogwarts
Also when we were banging i thought my high school librarian was perched up on top of the stereo like a gargoyle but it ended up just being her cat
how much do I hate his dog? was just googling to see if you can rent a hungry eagle for the weekend hate.
I woke up at 3am, top off, with campus security telling me to get dressed. Tonight was a GOOD NIGHT
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