The smiley face on that pregnancy test is so damn taunting. It's like it's laughing at me for my poor choices.
She's like the pied piper of lesbians.
In her drunkenness, she packed a bag with tequila, two shot glasses, salt, a knife, and two pears. She was prepared but too high to distinguish pears from limes.
My life is a joke. Told everyone last night that they could call me Mrs. McCormick because I'm gonna end up alone with a handle of peach vodka anyways.
Sex in the corn maze.....not as good as advertised.
legit question. can i put a condom down our garbage disposal? my rents are coming over in 20
Totally forgot I asked the cop for a theoretical fist bump and he still let me drive away
Haha sweet. I'm being the Mad Hatter. I'll be drinking out of a tea cup all night. Or at least until I inevitably lose it, break it, or use it as a weapon.
Is it okay to thank someone for the orgasms they gave you, even though they weren't with you?
He just ranted to some customer about fourth of July being ruined and I just shouted USA the whole time in the background. It was kinda epic
Then you're three pancakes deep in regret.
I'm literally in the bathroom for two minutes and I walk out to a random dude with his face in your tits
I would professionally fuck the shit out of her
I feel like my life just hangs in the balance of "Yeah I'm probably not doing this right"
I would go disguised as someone he didn't have premature ejaculative sex with but I don't know if I could stay in character.
Randomize
