You know its bad when you're praying for a hangover just so you aren't still drunk at work anymore.
We walked into the bar in The Flying V formation from The Mighty Ducks. We were ready.
shape ups are the best shoes to wear when youre stoned. its like walking on little trampolines every step.
Some drunk couple just made out on the sidewalk and it reminded me some sweet moments we have shared...
He rode my dog to the bathroom and wouldn't stop laughing once he got in. It was scary.
I have been drinking since 2. And I'm now chasing the cat around the house with a light saber. Anna's helping.
After she asked if she could try to fit her toe ring around it, i decided to leave. Thats the life i live
It's 3:30pm, I've been out of bed for an hour and spent most of that barfing. We're switching to beer next debate.
I cannot believe this. A potential 2016 Olympiad wants my vag. To which I respond "GO FOR THE GOLD"
you have to be that girl in the audience holding up the sign that says i fucked the shit out of you
I'm sorry I didn't respond. I had a shit day. However, I just masturbated to Adele's Rolling In the Deep while crying. It was oddly therapeutic.
I'm not sure how long my penis is exactly, but I will tell you it resembles a bendy straw
It's 7:30pm and we've already lost someone and had to run from the cops. What the fuck did you put in the punch?
Considering all of my stomach contents ended up in my center console, I'm a bit peckish.
can jess come too?
sure! but I don't have enough booze for the both of you.
she comes with her own booze, no worries.
Rationing the toilet paper. Only one wipe allowed. I'm scared to move too much.
Randomize
