i did the 'picked up item' thing from zelda when i jizzed on her face
so you're single again?
yea but it was worth it
I swear my cock just shook it's head disapprovingly at me.
you ate skittles off the table like a hungry hungry hippo. it was awesome.
HE HAS A FUCKING TWIN. HE HAS A TWIN. I'M NOT DRUNK THERE IS TWO OF THEM.
I don't think I have but I might've died. If I have then come get me, I'm in the flower bed. And still game.
Just heard my neighbor say "I'm just gonna lay down in a coma until someone comes into my room and hands me a beer." He's got his priorities straight
Hypothetically speaking, what is the proper response if one gets bitten by a most likely not rabid squirrel? Hypothetically.
Note to self. Don't order a $10 bottle of wine on a 40 min flight because it seems like a good deal.
God you're perfect.
I am. So drunk right now. Good work, Frontier.
Because her vagina is one of those illusive black holes that leads to a parallel universe where he is king and the sea is made of beer! That is why they are together!
Look at all the pictures I have of us sucking on jello syringes.
How did you get him out of the shower last time?
Order Taco Bell and leave a trail of burritos leading to his bed.
He sent me a snapchat of him singing wrecking ball. Guess what the wrecking ball was. Hint: he literally came.
I'm out of milk so I'm dunking my Oreos in Bailey's; this is my life now.
Uber southern baptist grandma and uber flaming cousin just got into an argument about whether jesus is OK with gay marriage. Aren't these things only supposed to happen at Thanksgiving?
So I have three weeks to get rid of his girlfriend and fuck him senseless before he goes to jail
Randomize
