I cant wait for the day that I tell my daughter I named her after my favorite porn star.
just woke up to a 10 min voicemail of you singing "99 red ballons".... you need to work on your german..
My vagina has officially become a vortex for sexually confused frat guys.
Please fuck him. And then let me tell her. And then let me protect you from the knife she pulls from her Ed Hardy purse. Please.
You should get with him and swear you have to use lambskin condoms. That'll test his veganism.
He googled the address of the bar, then sent me a text saying "6.3 miles. Too far. :( Apparently I am only worth a 5 mile radius.
It's a lost cause. Soon she's gonna get naked, just let nature run its course
The ranger made you choose between a ticket and pouring all the beer out since it was a state park.
I've never seen you that close to tears as you poured out 30 beers.
I vote we get high and sneak off to McDonald's to get mcflurries.
YES. ALL MY YES.
I had to rename my dildo. I met a little kid who named his teddy bear the same name. It just felt wrong.
What's the worst that could happen? I'm already broke and my leg's already broken
What did the sign say that bob stapled to his ass?
While all of the skanky girls from the crowd got on stage we screamed fair game and scoped out all their boyfriends, she made out with 2, this is what we call taking advantage of the situation
Please wake up and help me figure out how I woke up on the floor with my head under the couch
She is either doing really drawn out crunches or trying to sniff her boobs...She's lying on her back with her hand behind her head, forcing her head into the cleavage that's ok to expose and then moves her head back and then does it again.
Randomize
