I puked in a mailbox on the way back from your house.
Don't get me started, it sucks when the one thing you have in common with a girl is not wanting penis inside you.
You taught me that having a dip while u shit is awesome. I appreciate u for that
Mom got me cough medicine that tastes like tequila . She said she took taste tests. Best mom ever.
i knew you were okay when you wanted to eat in the ambulance
Postcard from jail please. Reserving a spot on my fridge.
Dude. I kneed him in the face and gave him a black eye. It's like a constant reminder of our hookup. I feel like herpes. I never go away...
We need to reprogram your vagina to say "no"
I worked so hard to shave everything last night. EVERYTHING. He WILL be answering my phone calls. Otherwise he's passing up awesome random birthday sex.
If you're going to drink sriracha straight from the bottle whilst crying, at least wear the giant sombrero for the enjoyment of your audience.
Update: my mom just told someone to shut up and suck her dick
I woke up to rachel asking "did anyone else fall out of a tree last night?"
He fucked the hangover right out of me. That good.
It was weird, it was like my heart got a boner. Is this being an adult?
I need to get laid. Right now that freshman frat pledge & my Econ professor are the leading candidates
That’s quite a spread
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