hotel room ftw
apparently i peed in my fridge last night because my vegetable drawer was filled with it.
the orgasm was like being thrown to the other end of reality, so getting a nosebleed from it wasnt too upsetting at that point
When we started taking double shots of vodka and chasing it with a lick of fruit roll-ups, I knew there'd be hell to pay in the morning.
my mouth is as dry as a post-menopausal camel on antidepressant's vagina.
So idk if it's because I'm working out again or the coke, but I hit my target weight today. Whaaaat uuuup. Come and get me thanksgiving.
Based off the amount of cat hair on my poncho....i stole a cat last night.
Everyone at work loved my story about sobering up in a river with no bra on.
You lifted he top layer off his birthday cake and made it say 'eat me' in the cookie monster voice so yeah he knew.
You told the entire smokers deck that you were blowing .08 now and anyone else willing later
We need to make tonight low-budget
Is this your way of suggesting flasks?
There is a french fry attached to my steering wheel and a note that says "eat me yum yum" can you explain this?
highlight of my day: hitchhiking a ride with random locals. tried to make conversation, asked what they do. driver says "you clearly don't recognize me." turns out i have had sex with him and forgot.
You are officially qualified to graduate from college.
I'd send you a picture as proof but I want to marry him some day and that would be a deal breaker.
New rock bottom. Woke up at 7 am fully clothed in a bathtub full of water. I hate myself.
Randomize
