He brought over a 20 dollar bottle of wine. Who does that? This is college.
just woke up to a 10 min voicemail of you singing "99 red ballons".... you need to work on your german..
You were hopping up and down because you wanted only his strongest sperms to make it to the egg.
Darwin at his finest.
sorry for throwing an entire water bottle of vodka at you. It was very wasteful
Well, I just watched him puke into his pitcher at the bar, I doubt he cares about anything other than the fact that he needs a new beer.
Why am I a bad person? You were the one trying to get people to eat tape.
I would just watch. I wouldn't even have a boner cuz I would do so much coke. It would just be funny.
I'd rather make snow angels in a pool of elephant shit.than sleep with him.
I have reached the state of intoxication where it is now a requirement to sit while peeing.
Only thing worse than going to work with a hangover is going to work with a hangover then realizing that u don't have to work that day
We tried to hook you up with a girl but you said you'd rather fuck the large muscular black man because "At least he'd be tight". He was the bouncer, he heard you.
Figured out how I got so much alcohol in my hair: tried to drink my drink using my cleavage as a cup holder. Missed my drink hole and got it all in my hair
Is it bad that I'm tracking my period with Instagram pictures?
I'm having a funeral for my vibrator. Please be there. I need your dick for support.
After we hooked up he started to cry and called his mom and told her he wanted to marry me
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