I'm so drunk that I ordered a root beer at the bar. Whoops?
i feel sorry for the hotel staff that makes the bed after we have sex
After he was done he gave me a case of landshark and tickets to tomorrows yankee game. This is the best nonrelationship ever
It's just my hair. It brings natural happiness. Like goldfish, big boobs, and milkshakes.
Her idea of kinky involved a tazer
wtf?
I'm going back tonight
Men are not even allowed to look at you without a condom on.
Peeling duct tape off of my dick is definitely one of the stranger sensations that I've experienced.
So I'm dropping a fat deuce at work, and the lock on the stall door slips and the door slides open, when suddenly someone comes in. Now I have two options, I can either get up quickly and try to shut the door quickly (not easy to do with one hand) or I can just sit there and play it off like it's no big deal and I always dump at work with the door open. I chose option two, and it was as awkward as it sounds.
Getting "I couldn't find the front door so I climbed in through window" drunk seems to be a habit of yours
And he listens to me when I talk to him like the hulk.
Ok I'm drunk as fuck already at 529 and this waitress started flirting with me, I wanna bang her for acknowledging my existence
sweet Jesus, who thought 13 martinis was a good idea? 11 was probably sufficient.
I haven't been dieting for my entire life to date some guy who thinks his dad bod is a riot.
She said I can't embarrass her, the challenge has been set
I gave in, made out with her, and long story short, I'm giving hetero another try.
Randomize
