Just spent 45mins blow drying a joint i dropped in a beer....i felt like i dropped his infant child....
Alright this has to stop. Without adderall I don't even have the motivation to get laid. College has ruined me.
So then she just shoved applesauces in her pocket and started talking about she needed to find her friends.
you didn't get her number why?
In the middle of getting a blow job, she looked up at me and said "this isn't the first time I've done this today"
well as your friend its only fair to offer my cock for your services. Cause I care.
Posting happy birthday to my grandpa on Facebook.... Then realizing my profile pic is me dressed as a slutty cop when he used to be a police officer.
Breaking a step ladder over someone's back turned into a really fun game, way too quickly.
he cancelled our romantic dinner reservations so we could stay home and watch a Rocky movie marathon and order pizza. i know i should be upset but i think i'm kinda in love.
I just hit your bf in the face with a mustard bottle and the guy at the table next to us bowed down to me.
I bought a box of wine on my way home. I figured if I’m going to be broke during the holidays, I might as well be able to drink about it.
but I'm still not sure how you became more and more fluent in Spanish the drunker you got
I used an emoji to tell him I was pregnant. I should feel bad about that, right?
I just got a robo call from the Addiction Help Line. Not sure how to take that.
Think I was still drunk when I woke up cause I went and bought a mandolin
When we sit on the couch watching TV, she always cups her hand around my balls. Not sure if it's a sign of affection or a "power play" to remind me just how vulnerable I am if she chooses to make an aggressive squeeze.
Randomize
